Yep .. here I am .. I'm feeling out of place [again]. Ironic. Somehow I feel like I've been left behind coz I don't have the closeness with some friends that I would like. Isn't it hard when you wanna share something and you have no one to share it with? At the end, you can only keep it burried inside, which as time goes by it will oppress you harder and harder and it's gonna burst out all over your head. Here I'm dealing with this problem, away from the crowd and sick all one. No one cares. Say that I'm pathetic, I don't have any person to touch base with everyday.

"How about HIM??" Surely I wish he cared, or at least, noticed me, but .. naaah, who the hell am I?! His partner-in-crime?? And would he care for me if I brought this on like a bombshell? For the sake of God's insanity, .. his gf would've killed me instead T_T Maybe I just expect too much. But I'll keep on waiting though … keeping my heart for no one, coz it's longing to hold him. [somehow it sounds yucky, but hell, I'm telling the truth -.-]

Or maybe .. I isolate myself from people? I mean I'm somewhat introvert, and being reluctant to care about one's business. I've become individualistic since nobody, including my family, don't and won't give me a damn at all. I lean on myself, and get crazy over things. But I acknowledge that there are a lot of people I want to catch up with, yet I'm apprehensive about my lacking of sensitivity, afraid that they'll be unwilling to get along with me. So I'd better step back first. And run away.

I unintentionally met him at Twenty-One 4 days ago. He was sitting there, 2 seats from mine... but nevertheless, not even a word spoken from his lips. Ironic. It had to be me who supposed to be irked, but he acted so distance like I was the one who had ditched'em by a month ago. After two gauche-hours long sitting motionlessly, he suddenly murmured [See you..] and walked away rapidly without making an eye-contact.. For a moment I felt like my blood was congealed, and jolted. I stood still, placed my eyes on him as he vanished from my sight. [See you..] for me, it's heard like [goodbye..]

So many times I told myself that I might still have a chance, but now I think I've had enough. He's more unreachable than before. It's time for me to erase everything about him. Hey, I'm still 17 anyway.:)

Note: Names have been changed to preserve the identity of those mentioned.

The past few days have been pretty flustering. A lot of things happen, too many things.. to many feelings. I had some clashes again with Alex.. One thing I have learnt from our fracas is that I’ve become so unstable and fragile. I don’t know whats going on in my mind, I guess I’m missing someone who had always on my side formerly. And Harry, he has given up about me. To be honest, it’s hurting me. A couple days ago, we had a talk and he said that I was too unreachable ..unapproachable. I merely laughed, and surreptitiously crossing my fingers.

Friends, when you’re fucked up, you’ll start to wonder: “What is it.. something that I’m lacking of?” This is what I’m going through now.. Frankly, I’m not a person who always loves to keep it all positive. Sometimes it’s tiring to be strong all the time.